Not Belonging
we are afraid of not belonging, maybe we will always be
Quick one before you read on. Our next meeting is May 29, 5 pm (CET), 12 pm (EST), 9 am (Pacific).The prep material drops Wednesday May 27, both the prep and the meeting are for paid members only. If something in this letter lands, that conversation is where it goes deeper.
Come sit with us.
Book of the month:
Hello,
We are afraid of not belonging, maybe we will always be.
Since I moved to the Netherlands I have felt my identity beginining to erode.
Like a cliff against the sea
I couldn't have known that would be the outcome, would it have made a difference in me moving here? Maybe, we will never know.
Every time I met someone the conversation starts the same way: “hi I am Ana I just moved here from Mexico”.
I still met new people but I feel that greeting loosing its veracity. I left my country 23 months , 12 days and 8 hours ago.
What I found out is that the “I just moved here” is not showing my reality but my emotional and mental state.
It comes from a place inside that still feels like an outsider, like we dont belong yet. All of this sparked a question deep inside: What happens when the narrative we tell ourselves and others is expiring?
My answer: Your are left with a clean slate and is f*cking frightening (sorry for expression)
Is this opportunity to re-invent ourselves, to be whatever we want to be.
Honestly to me there is nothing more terrifying than having to face me in the mirror and ask: Who am I?
I am not a newbie in this country but I haven’t lived here long enough to call myself Dutch.
Then, Who am I?
The surprising thing is that this is not my first move, since I was 12 I have been living in different countries. I am truly blessed by these opportunities but what I want to clarify is that it never gets easier.
At 12 years old boarding a plane that would take me from Mexico across the Atlantic to Ireland my only thought was: If I am brave I will be able to do this over and over. I can make friends, I can enjoy living in this new country I can do it.
Now at 28 years old in a plane taking me again from Mexico across the Atlantic now to the Netherlands. I realized that I needed to say goodbye to the version I was.
And that’s when it hit me, when the trip starts you are excited and you are willing to embrace the opportunity with open arms, you are willing to change who you are for the sake of adventure.
But when it turns out this adventure is not what you were expecting then that change seems dangerous. It seems that is too much of a risk so you try to got back to your comfort zone.
That happened to me on the year I went to Ireland, when the adventure turned out different than what I had expected I decided to give up. I called my parents near the Christmas holidays to say I was done and that I needed to go back home because I couldn’t do it anymore.
I was so unhappy, in my mind my friends were not really my friends, the food was horrible, the weather was depressing and I missed Mexico.
To this day I am so grateful of what my father did next, he told me: I am so sorry that you are unhappy but you are staying. We are not going to pick you up before the year ends.
I was devastated, I felt that my parents didn’t want me.
Here is a disclaimer: if I would have been in jeopardy and my parents sensed danger they would have come to pick me up.
The thing is my dad new that I was just homesick that the place where I was had nothing wrong, that I was safe and most importantly to him I was learning.
He realized that I was getting tired of feeling like an outsider, like I didn’t belong. That all of this changes sometimes are too much and the amusement from the beginning was wearing off.
In his wisdom he knew that this would not be the last time I would feel this way and wanted to teach me a lesson.
He wanted me to see that I could do it, that I just needed to push a little more, that having this new version formed inside me was going to be painful and confusing but it would be worthy at the end.
It did ended up being the best year of my life. And I was grateful that my parents, especially my dad didn’t cave and returned me home.
Now not all people have a person like my dad that helps them get through this challenges. In Never Let Me Go all the children in Hailsham are “being prepared” for life but with an alternate motive.
This kids are being manipulated to serve a specific function in the world and instead of helping get through the confusing times all taboo topics would be shut down immediately. We will go over all the details on the 29th but so far it has taken an emotional toll that I did not expect.
Never Let Me Go has been an interesting experience so far, it is my first time reading the author and I am getting used to his way of writing.
I want to share my experience with the book as I go, my greatest disconfort so far is realizing that not all people push us to the best opportunities. And realice the importance of educators and guardians.
Now I am 28 years old, married and in a new country facing again the disconfort of trying to find my way. I would be a liar if I said that I dont wish to go back to Mexico to my “normal life”.
But I remind myself of that 12 year old and her dad that believe in her. Now is my job to believe in me and to trust that I know what I am doing.
Most importantly that I know my limits and I would pull the plug in case the situation turns out to be dangerous for me or that is going to jeopardize my mental health.
Truth is discomfort is not always bad and things are never easy, contrary to the belief we have nowadays I still believe that just because you are finding resistance doesn’t mean is not for you.
I focus on listening what I truly want and if the desire is genuine I will embrace the challenges and I will find my way so now I trust that I can make this country feel like home, it will take time but I will not give up this time.
See you next week,
Love,
Ana